Manuela Cardiga - Guilty Pleasures and Culinary Treasures

WHY I GAVE THE WHOLE LESBIAN THING A MISS

I really had no excuse,
Except I got my heart broken
For the third time that moon,
And after that,
I just plain refused
To have anything else
To do with a man.

And when I thought that,
It just hit me: BAM!
Instead of feeling blue?
Why! I knew just what to do,
I’d just quit the hetero crew!

So straight to Lesbos I went.
Doffed my La Perla

Underwire bra, of course!
Nothing could be worse
Than showing up
At the primordial home
Of feminist funk
With perky tits,
So I’ll admit
Mine took a slump.

There I was,
Straight off the boat,
And right away
I started to wonder
If I could cope
Without my lipstick;
Or with walking around
Without a lick
Of makeup
Or perfume?

But then some chick
With a crew-cut
And a camouflage chlamys
Offered to take me
To her leader,
And so I went.

And there she was,
The famous Sappho.
And let me tell you,
She was just blotto;
Downing amphorae
And shouting “Tits ahoy!”
And lasciviously fondling
This really gorgeous boy
In the altogether.
(Sappho, not the boy,
Which was a shame).

Nope, Sappho was busy
Giving all of Lesbos
A wink of the pink
And that was not
As charming
As you might think.
(The woman was seventy,
For the Goddess’ sake!)

So I decided the whole
Lesbian philosophy
Was just so not me?
I hied myself down
To the harbour
And showed a leg.
I got myself
A hairy sailor
And a keg;
And he cured me
Of my despair
Right then and there.

Manuela Cardiga