Thursday, 8 February 2018

The Culinary Adventures Of A Bi-Polar Bear

Twicky McQuicky was sprawled sunning herself on a lovely piece of crystal clear ice, lazily watching a rainbow unfurling on the soft powdery snow.

She was distracted, thinking of the Underwater MidOceanic Ball and who would win the ultimate accolade of the most beautiful seal in the world, and so she didn't see sneaky death approach.

Before she could say 'sardines on toast' a huge yawning mouth with shimmering white teeth and black lips was hovering over her.

The biggest Polar Bear she had ever seen was looming over her, and 3 seconds away from snacking on her head.

"Stop!" she screamed in desperation, "Please! I have mad-seacow disease?"

The huge white mass of fur and muscle paused suspend over her. "What?" rumbled that hoarse voice "What?"

"Mad-seacow," screeched McQuicky, " You don't want to catch that!"

"Where on Greenland did you catch that?"

"Iceland. I went to a little party and a jet-setting dugong slipped me some tropical fish...I should have said no, but..."

A huge paw tipped with razor-sharp polished black claws scratched thoughtfully at the Polar Bear's chin. "Mmmm...I've read about that! I'll just skip your skull and eat the rest!"

McQuicky waved her flippers in distress. "You don't want to do that! Imagine the risk! Besides, there's plenty of seals in the sea, AND I'm an endangered sub-species!"

A great guffaw erupted from the Polar Bear. "Do I look like a card-carrying member of PETA to you?"

McQuicky ran an eye over the Bear. He was wearing a fur coat and had the sleek satisfied look of a well-nourished carnivore, quite different from some of the scrawny vegan brown bears she had met in British Columbia the year before last at the Conservation Convention.

This bear lived on pure juicy seal protein and fat, not a berry or a mushroom had ever passed his ravenous lips.

"You should try something better than tough old seal...What you need is - is - is....PENGUIN!"

"Penguin," asked the Polar Bear with a frown, "What's that?"

"Oh the most delicious most succulent snack in creation! One of my cousins lives exclusively on them, Down under."

"Australia?" Sneered the Polar Bear, "as if!"

"Antartica," said Twicky McQuicky, "Emperor penguins, a right royal snack...and," she added cunningly, "You'll be the world's first Bi-Polar Bear!"


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