Friday, 18 September 2015


ok, so thirteen years ago today i was reenacting that freaky scene from "Alien" where the guy starts screaming and bugging out his eyes and foaming at the mouth while some creature squirms and tugs and looks like it is going to explode his body from the inside out and then it didn't but it felt like it and a nurse came up to me and said i am going to poke into your vagina to see if you have dilated and said no you haven't have some fake hormones and then i really screamed cause the bloody stuff makes you climb the walls but no the kid wouldn't come out and a thing i didn't know i had called a bloody cervix wasn't working right so the cleaning lady walks past and says hey are you screaming because your cervix doesn't dilate cause my cat had that problem and she still had 7 kittens without screaming as much and then a woman with a mustache or maybe it was a guy with boobs came by and he said you are too slow and you can't have an anesthetic but if you were faster you couldn't have one either cause the anesthesiologist went home early cause he had a bachelor party and who told you to have a malfunctioning cervix anyway man up and stop screaming already and then a woman came and made me walk to the delivery room and they put in a big suction cup and still the kid wouldn't come out so they used forceps which are just these great big metal thingies and it all hurts like the bejesus while seven or eight different people peered into my vagina and asked each other if they had ever seen such a lousy cervix and i screamed why don't you call in the janitor too and the one guy said madam i am already here and then POP out came this kid 54 cm long and pink and everyone started cooing and saying oh how pretty and they forgot about me and my bleeding cervix and then the nurse said this is the most beautiful moment of your life and you will never forget it.


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