Ode to Sweeney Todd

Ode to Sweeney Todd
WHERE MY MUM GOT HER PIES

Remember
That barber-guy
The one who was
A bit too shy
To kill quick
And dice the bits
Like friendly Jack
And leave them poems
For the Police
With the left-over bits?

(Ye I know
I used "bits" twice
But this here
Is a jail-house rhyme
And I ain't the most
Edicated guy)

Well, he lived
With me Mum, for
Both bizness and fun:
He rented a room
Upstairs for two bits
Harvested beards
And played with her tits.

So one day Mum
Says to Todd:
"Listen here, Sweeney,
Ain't no bit of kidney
In this whole
Damned City
To be had
For a penny:

Not for love
And not for money
I even promised
The Butcher
I'd flog his dog
But he cried
And admitted
He had no hog
To supply that
Prime kidney
I need for my pies."

"The truth is,
Sweet Sweeney,
The Swine Flu
Killed every piggy
So I guess we is done.
I cain't keep doing
The pork pie-gig
And your barbering
Aint turning the trick
So we gonna be
Out on the street."

Now Sweeney weren't
The kind of guy
To lie back and cry
When life pokes him
In the eye -

(Not like some
We could mention
Who cried in detention
When Turn-Key Mike
Poked him in the arse

With his stanchion)

So he thinks
And he ponders
And he finds him
Some answers
By dicing
And slicing
His ethics
Along with a few
Of his clients.

Not to cut it too fine-

(Mum said you should dice
kidney in a half-inch slice
No more and no less)

He kept my Mum
Supplied with kidneys
And long-hog on the sly,
And even that uppity
Police Commissioner
Used to come slumming
To East London
To buy me Mum's
Special Sweeney Todd
Steak and Kidney Pie!

As for the how and the why
I'm in the slammer?
I followed the family
Into a life of crime
And wielded a hammer
When I got nostalgic
For my Mum's
Special Recipe
Steak and Kidney
With that brown sauce
On the side...


MC