My friends, we all know how important the power of positive thinking can be.
How many times have we been told to look on the bright side? Every cloud has a silver lining, or so they say…
So let’s ask ourselves: what is the silver lining to Writers Block; that dread bane of the author, that monstrous devourer of creative writing and academic output alike?
That is RIGHT! Take that Writer Block Bitch and make her work for her room and board!
So you ask yourself…
Why should I do it?
How do I do this?
Is it ethical to this?
To all these I add one more question: WHY NOT DO IT??
Question 1: Why should I do it?
First: because it’s fun.
Secondly: it costs nothing. If you are your average author you are strapped for cash and cannot afford to drink seriously, delve into a haze of fashionable drugs, or have a wild unfettered fling with a nubile member of whatever sex you fancy.
Third: It could be very useful as research into manipulative, deviant behavior by a sociopathic personality type. Don’t forget, even if you are not writing you can be doing research, stocking up those lovely little details that add depth and flavor to your writing; and this could be too good an opportunity to pass up!
Fourth: because you are having Writer’s Block and that leaves you lots of mental free-time.
Idle minds do the Devil’s work…
Question 2: How do I do this?
Watch any competent 4 year-old for hints on superior emotional blackmail and manipulation of friends and loved ones.
Begin by LETTING PEOPLE KNOW.
Stop hiding and suffering on your own. Come out of the closet.
Go to the loved one of your choice and pour out your anger, your anguish and frustration.
Share, cry, moan…be absolutely pathetic. I know it’s not very dignified but it will pay off dividends BIG TIME.
Sob, a tear in time will get them to forgive you any crime, I always says.
After you have established your status as Blocked Writer - and let me tell you, it is soooo prestigious (Writer’ Block somehow garners you more credibility than a dozen published novels)- you work on the image.
The judicious application of subtle non-shimmer eye-shadow under the eyes will give you that sleepless haunted look. Tousle your hair; try to look interestingly pale and drawn.
Allow your lower lip to tremble, and a tear to hang glistening on your lashes.
Don’t actually CRY- guys take note, you don’t want to smudge the make-up.
Work on that posture too, slight shoulder slump, head up, with a brave good-bye-cruel-world look.
Then you start to work…You ask for stuff.
For example at Sunday lunch there is one last slice of your favorite Chocolate Fudge Cake with Hot Chocolate-Rum Sauce and your chocoholic beloved has his or her eye on it.
Say: “Darling…can I have that last slice, you see I read some where that chocolate is actually an antidote to depression… (lip wobble) and you see….I-HAVE–WRITER’S-BLOCK…”
Or your skinny teen reaches for that that drumstick you’ve been coveting?
“Oh…you…You want that? Of course…you are growing, and I, I only have WRITER’S-BLOCK, after all…”
Another battlefield you can dominate is THE REMOTE CONTROL…a quiet subdued sob, and the use of the magic phrase and it is yours!
Have you any odd little fantasies your better half has always baulked at as a tad too kinky?
Pout and whine “Oh babe…but I-HAVE–WRITER’S-BLOCK, and maybe that would cure me…”
Hint that any kind of rejection will send you spinning into the endless void because…say it with me…
These are just a few suggestions. Think about it. The possibilities are endless.
Question 3: Is it ethical to do this?
Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous. Better yet, don’t be a wimp!
Drop the fake morality and stand revealed in the full glory of your sleazy, sneaky little writer’s ego.
Isn’t that why we write? Cause we love the sound of our own voice and worship at the feet of our own genius…
Since we can’t write, let’s do something that makes us feel almost as good.
Let’s take full advantage of our superior wits and other people’s good nature: let’s manipulate!
I close with the final question, which is also the first question:
Why not do it?
Go on…try it… You will love it.