this stinks big time but alas i am compelled to rhyme

HEY HO AND OFF TO WORK WE GO!

Every funny bunny
with a sunny disposition
should be peeled
and spanked
with a hickory stick
in the hopes that
that bouncy energy
can be healed.

Especially
on a miserable
misty Friday morning
when that alarm clock
goes off without a warning
and we broke 

and battered folk 

recovering from
the night before
have to get up
and go to work.

Manuela Cardiga

ISIS RECRUITMENT OFFICER'S MANUAL 101

So we was jist hangig
round the corner store
cracking gum and talkin shit
and this guy he comes along?

He says:
"How liveth thou thy misspent youth!
Can not thy mortal eyes
See God's frown?
Is there in thine heart
No belief in Paradise
Or worthiness in this life?"

So me and my mate
we jist spits and grin
"Get your shit together,
and get out, fucker!
we got bizzness
and you takin up space!"

"Indeed!" Quoth he,
and right away
i could see
the dude was mad
as a hatter
cause he was
fondlin these beads
and setting off a clatter,
doing a shufflin dance
in these weird tap-shoes.

"Thou art dirt
And to dirt returneth.
No worth from birth
To grave, 

Thy existence
Of matter to none,
Not even thy unfortunate dam.
Thou art a a dot
On a census statistic plot,
A mangy suckling,
An unfortunate drain
On the benefits tit,
A waste of human DNA."

"Here now!"
cried we
" we got worth!"

"History will judge
And find thee wanting
Of meaning, of substance...
One hundred years,
And no word or murmur
Of thy names will remain,
In thy remembrance
Not even a moldy stain."

i knew this was true
cause i seen
how Mam
can hardly remember
her Pa's name
specially when she's
had a dram or two
(though i think maybe
she never knew)

so i says to the guy
"what all snake oil's
you sellin?
immortality?"

"Nay!" cried he
"Morality!"
He steps closer
and he grins
and on his breath
i smells nitroglycerin.

"Sainted wilt thou be
Blessed and elevated,
And no man
Nor woman
In this nation
That wilt not know
Thy name and station."

"well now...what about them chicks?"
i scratch my balls and winks
"morality ain't what i crave!
will i gets to bury my stave?"

"Take you up this holy burden
and seventy pleading
heaving-bosomed ladies
will offer thee their
bodies, untried
and palpitating..."

"mate, " says i
"you've got a deal!"
just gimme the gun
and tell me
who i've got to kill!"


MC

THE SNOW QUEEN

Inviolate the silences
Between us unfold,

Never in the memory
Of eternal snows
Has there been
A kiss as cold.


Manuela Cardiga

Verily verily I say unto you; if someone does shitty things unto others, he will surely do them unto you too.

MC

"God rewards good hearts by leaving the best for last."

From Conversations with Ivan Shapiro

It's not that I don't trust you; it's just that I have so oft been proven wrong in my beliefs, that I just don't trust my trust.


MC

A big welcome to my Russian readers!

I am very happy to note a lot of Russians reading my weirdo poetry and prose!
Thank you for your support!

I am curious!
How on earth did you all find me?

TELESCOPIC PASSION

blinded by the sequined
glory of that dazzling sun,
enchanted by you

the sun is transformed
by distance:
hard cold
diamond star
bright ice
under an alien sky;
and you
by my point of view


MC

RIDING THAT POTTY TRAIN!

CHOO CHOO
FLUSH THAT LOO!

Flush away
every day
cause pee
in the loo
must go away!

CHOO CHOO
FLUSH THAT LOO!

Flush away
it musn't stay
cause poo
in the loo
it smells all day!

CHOO CHOO
FLUSH THAT LOO!
Flush away!
Flush away!

CHOO CHOO
FLUSH THAT LOO,
Wave goodbye
To pee and poo!

MC

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS BUT IT WENT OVER BIG WITH MY 4 YEAR-OLD AUDIENCE!

its a lovely day in the morning
its a lovely day in the evening
i don't quite know why
but the moon's in a swoon
and in love
with the gilded afternoon

its a lovely day in the morning
its a lovely day late at night
cause the stars are so bright
and take drunken delight
in greeting the dawn
with a libertine yawn.

its a lovely day
and a lovely night
so brush those teeth
and off to bed
before it's light
and the peeking sun
gives us all a big fright!

MC

JALEBIS

For Jalebis
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons corn flour
1⁄2 cup plain yogurt
1⁄2cup water

1/2 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon Baking Powder


To Fry
500ml oil

For Syrup
one cup of water
2/3 cup of sugar
1/2 teaspoon saffron or turmeric


AND THEN...

Put flours in a mixing bowl, add the yogurt and water and mix well, making sure there are no lumps in the batter - add the baking powder and stir again.

Pour the batter into an old ketchup or mayonnaise squeeze bottle.
Heat up the oil in a frying pan, and once it is hot drop in the batter by squeezing the bottle onto the hot oil, in concentric circular motion to make the Jalebis. (a thin, tight spiral)


Fry until golden, scoop out and drain on kitchen paper.
Repeat until you have used up the batter.

Make the syrup by heating up the water and the sugar, add the turmeric. Cook the syrup to a spoon coating consistency.


Dip the Jalebis in the syrup one by one so they are well coated.
Serve warm!

MC

SMOKED PORK VINDALOO

SMOKED PORK VINDALOO

The Meat
1 kg pork belly, cut into 3cm chunks - skin removed
If you don't eat pork, replace with lamb, kid, or chicken

The Marinade
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
8 cloves of garlic
2 teaspoons coriander
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 dried chillies
1 teaspoon ginger
1 teaspoon turmeric

To Cook
sea salt
3 small onions
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 heaped tablespoon soft brown sugar

Smoke
1 cinnamon stick
half a dozen cloves
olive oil
a chunk of charcoal

And then...
Mix all the spices with the chili, the olive oil and the vinegar, add the garlic and make a paste in a blender.
Coat the pork in the paste and marinade from 6 hours to overnight.

Preheat the oven to 170ºC.

Heat the olive oil in a pan and add the onions and sugar. When the onions are caramelised and soft, puree and reserve. Season the pork with salt and fry up in olive oil until golden.

Add the onion mix to the pork, and roast in your oven until it darkens, then remove the pan from the oven and add 600 ml boiling water. Continue simmering on your stove-top.

Heat the charcoal to incandescence, then put it along with the cloves and the cinnamon stick into a small heatproof bowl.  Place it in the middle of the vindaloo and add a drizzle of olive oil to the charcoal. Cover the pan with a double layer of tin foil and poke a hole in the top. You can make a foil "chimney" to allow the smoke to escape. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the meat is tender, topping up with hot water if it gets too dry.

Serve with steamed rice and a crisp green salad and lots of naam.

MC

KAKA PIZON (PIgeon-Shit in Madagascar, more commonly known to Durbanites as Rat-shit)

2 cups of all-purpose flour,
1/4 cup of oil (peanut is best, but if you can't get it, sunflower is ok)
1 egg,
3/4 tsp salt,
1 tsp chili powder
1 cup roast peanuts

fresh yeast (20 grams)
1/4 cup warm water,
2 tsp sugar

1 cup roast peanuts or cashew-nuts

***

Mix the yeast, sugar and water in bowl and let it rest in a warm place until foamy.

In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients except the nuts.
Knead lightly to combine, then cover with a damp cloth and let sit for 30 minutes to rise.

On a well-floured surface, roll out the dough as thin as possible. Cut into spaghetti-thin strips (or as thin as possible) then into 3 to 5 cm fragments.

Deep fry in hot oil until golden and crisp. Drain on paper towels.
When it is cool, sprinkle with more chili (if you are brave!) and add the roast peanuts or cashew.

Cool your burny tongue and lips with a suitable cold beverage.


MC